Toward The Light (Weekly)

Toward the Light is meant to be inspirational, humorous and fun. I publish a new edition each week (or whenever I feel like it).

I started editing this weekly "letter" more than 20 years ago. Over the years many people have sent me short pieces they thought others would like to read. I have also written many articles for its pages.

One of the most popular continuing features has been Birthdays this week where I remind readers of the ages of well-known people. I try to include only living people but I have several friends who delight in pointing out my error when I include someone who is long gone. Don't be one of those (the laughing or the dead).

I hope you will enjoy reading it here on the web each week.

(The Editor)

Toward The Light March 4, 2010 Volume 17 Issue 23

THINGS I’VE LEARNED IN LIFE

author unknown (adapted)

1. I’ve learned we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

2. I’ve learned true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.

3. I’ve learned you can do something in an instant that will give you heartaches for life.

4. I’ve learned you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

5. I’ve learned you can keep going long after you think you can’t.

6. I’ve learned we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

7. I’ve learned you either control your attitude or it controls you.

8. I’ve learned heroes are those who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

9. I’ve learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

10. I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

11. I’ve learned when I’m angry, even when I have a right to be angry, it doesn’t mean I have the right to be cruel.

12. I’ve learned that no mater how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

13. I’ve learned just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

14. I’ve learned maturity has more to do with experience and what you’ve learned from it and less to do with how many candles are on your birthday cake.

15. I’ve learned it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself.

16. I’ve learned our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for what we have become.

17. I’ve learned two people can look at the exact same thing and see two entirely different things.

18. I’ve learned credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

19. I’ve learned it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

20. I’ve learned the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

Birthdays this week: Patricia Heaton (52), Mikhail Gorbachev (79), Prince Edward (46), Tom Arnold (51), Chuck Norris (70), Juliette Binoche (46), Sharon Stone (52) and Carrie Underwood (27).

    A huge high school senior was being recruited by football coach, Bobby Bowden of Florida State U.
    "Can you tackle?" asked Bowden. "Watch this," said the player who then ran smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
    "Wow!" said coach Bowden. "I’m impressed. Can you run?"
    "Sure can," said the high school prospect. He was off like a shot running the 100 yards of the football field in just under 10 seconds.
    "Great!" enthused Bowden. "But can you pass a football?"
    The player thought about this then said, "Well, sir, if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
    "Son, you’ll fit right in at F.S.U."

   Two men were walking home one night and decided to take a shortcut through a cemetery just for laughs. They were suddenly startled by a tap-tap-taping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
    "Those fools," the old man howled in the eerie silence that followed, "They misspelled my name!"

Toward The Light  February 25, 2010 Volume 17   Issue 22

A WORD OF COMFORT FOR MOMS AND DADS (SORT OF)

author unknown

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing He said was: "Don’t."

"Don’t what?" Adam asked.

"Don’t eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey Eve . . . we got forbidden fruit!"

"No way!" replied Eve.

"Yes, way!"

"Don’t eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am you Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Person asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did, too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Birthdays this week: Tea Leoni (44), Michael Bolton (57), Elizabeth Taylor (78), Joanne Woodward (80), Chelsea Clinton (30), Gavin MacLeod (80), Bernadette Peters (62), Harry Belafonte (83), Daniel Craig (42), Ron Howard (56), Alan Thicke (63), Jon Bon Jovi (48), Dennis Farina (66), Charles Durning (87) Sally Jessy Raphael (67) and Jessica Biel (28).

The day returns and brings us the petty rounds of irritating concerns and duties. Help us to play the man, help us to perform them with laughter and kind faces, let cheerfulness abound with industry. Give us to go blithely on our business all the day, bring us to our resting beds weary and content and undishonored, and grant us in the end the gift of sleep. Amen

ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON

A plane took off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back, relax and just—OH, MY GOD!!"

Silence followed. After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you, but while I was talking, the flight attendant spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach was heard to reply, "That’s nothing, you should see the back of mine."

Ah, my Beloved, fill the cup that clears

Today of past Regrets and future Fears:

Tomorrow!—Why, Tomorrow

I may be Myself with Yesterday’s

Sev’n thousand Years.

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,

Moves on: nor all your

Piety nor Wit

Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,

Nor all your Tears wash out

a Word of it.

OMAR KHAYYAM

Toward The Light February 18, 2010 Volume 17 Issue 21

A STRANGE OLD LADY

author unknown

reprinted from a column

by Ann Landers

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day, she wasn’t there, and the next day, she was.

She is a clever old lady, and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.

If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough.

I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it’s all gone. I certainly don’t spend money that fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me.

You’d think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. Lord knows she needs it. And money isn’t the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate—especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies and candy. I can’t seem to keep that stuff in the house anymore. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she’d better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I’m not home and altering my clothes so they don’t fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can’t find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized. She also fiddles with my VCR so it does not record what I have carefully and correctly programmed.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers and magazines before I do, and blurs the print so I can’t read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things—like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge. Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn’t get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver’s license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me! No one is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me.

Spend your brief moment according to nature’s law, and serenely greet the journey’s end as an olive falls when it is ripe, blessing the branch that bare it, and giving thanks to the tree that gave it life. MARCUS AURELIUS

Birthdays this week: Matt Dillon (46), Kim Novak (77), Vanna White (53), Yoko Ono (77), John Travolta (56), Cybill Shepherd (60), Haylie Duff (25), Jeff Daniels (55), Prince Andrew (50), Cindy Crawford (44), Kelsey Grammer (55), Tyne Daly (63), Sidney Poitier (83), Jennifer Love Hewitt (31), Rue McClanahan (74), Alan Rackman (64), Michael Dell (45), Mary Chapin Carpenter (42), Drew Barrymore (35), Kyle MacLachlan (51), Paula Zahn (54), Steven Jobs (55), Kristin Davis (45), and Peter Fonda (71).

Question: Why are there never any sex orgies at meetings of the Junior League?

Answer: Too many "thank you" notes to write.

Toward The Light February 11, 2010 Volume 17 Issue 20

PERKS FOR REACHING 50

OR BEING OVER 60 AND

HEADING TOWARD 70

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run—anywhere.

4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4:00 p.m.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

12. You sing along with elevator music.

13. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

14. Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.

15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

17. Your supply of brain cells is down to manageable size.

18. You’ve learned never to take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

SAY IT NOW

author unknown

If you have a tender message,

Or a loving word to say,

Don’t wait ‘til you forget it,

But whisper it today!

The letter never sent,

The long-forgotten messages,

The wealth of love unspent . . .

For these some hearts are breaking,

For these some loved ones wait,

Then give them what

they’re needing,

Before it is too late!

Birthdays this week: Jennifer Anston (41), Burt Reynolds (74), Tina Louise (76), Jeb Bush (57), Leslie Nielsen (84), Sergio Mendes (69), Sheryl Crow (48), Arsenio Hall (52), Carol Lynley (68), Mike Kryzyzewski (63), Jerry Springer (66), Stockard Channing (66), Meg Tilly (50), Molly Ringwald (42), Florence Henderson (76), Michael R. Bloomberg (68), Hugh Downs (89), Harvey Korman (83), Jane Seymour (59), Ice-T (52), Michael Jordan (47), Paris Hilton (29), Hal Holbrook (85), Rene Russo (56) and Lou Diamond Phillips (48).

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages. They watch TV in garages. They build useless wooden things in garages on workbenches they also build in garages.

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

author unknown

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Take life too seriously, and what is it worth?

If the morning wake us to no new joys, if the evening bring us not the hopes of new pleasures, is it worth while to dress and undress? Does the sun shine on me today that I may reflect on yesterday? That I may endeavor to foresee and to control what can neither be foreseen nor controlled—the destiny of tomorrow? JOHANN vonGOETHE

Richard L. Evans

author and editor