Toward The Light - February 2, 2012 Volume 19 Issue 18
CURIOUS COUPLES
from An Almanac of Words at Play
by Willard R. Espy
Readers of New York Magazine were asked to submit two quotations, "unexpectedly if appropriately coupled." Some samples:
1. We shall never understand each other until we reduce the language to seven words.
-KAHLIL GILBRAN
2. Doc, Grumpy, Sleepy, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy and Dopey.
-SNOW WHITE
1. With all my worldly goods I thee endow.
-BOOK OF COMMON PRAYER
2. A fool and his money are soon parted.
-AMERICAN PROVERB
1. For whither thou goest I will go; and where thou lodgest I will lodge. -BOOK OF RUTH, 1:16
2. I’m Ruth. Fly me to Miami.
-AIRLINE COMMERCIAL
1. Youth is wholly experimental.
-ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON
2. And so to bed. -SAMUEL PEPYS
1. Consider the lilies of the field . . . They toil not, neither do they spin. - MATTHEW, 6:28
2. . . . With a little bit of luck, / Someone else will do the bloomin’ work. - MY FAIR LADY
1. That feller runs splendid but he needs help at the plate, which coming from the country chasing rabbits all winter give him strong legs, although he broke one falling out of a tree, which shows you can’t tell . . . -CASEY STENGEL
2. Let me make one thing perfectly clear.
-RICHARD M. NIXON
1. ‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves / Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. - LEWIS CARROLL
2. If you do not itemize deductions and line 18 is under $10,000, find tax in Tables and enter on line 19. -INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE
It is amazing how much people can get done if they do not worry about who gets the credit. SANDRA SWINNEY
WHEN DO I DIE?
from a newspaper column published in 1910
by Dr. George Crane
Jimmy, age ten, was devoted to his little sister, age six. He nearly panicked when his little sister fell off her bicycle and cut a large artery in her leg. The bleeding was profuse, and by the time the doctor arrived, the little girl was failing fast.
In the early 1900’s blood transfusions were not yet common. However, the doctor managed to clamp the cut ends of the artery with his hemostat. The little girl’s heart was failing. In desperation, the doctor turned to Jimmy and asked, "Jimmy, will you give your blood to help save your sister life?"
Jimmy swallowed hard but nodded his head. So the doctor lay him on the kitchen table and began withdrawing blood from one of his veins. Then the doctor injected it into the little girl’s vein.
For the next 30 minutes the doctor and the family watched over the little girl anxiously and prayerfully. Finally, she was over the crisis. Only then did he notice that Jimmy was still stretched out on the table, tense and trembling.
"What’s the matter, Jimmy?" asked the doctor.
"W-w-when do I die?" Jimmy replied through his clenched teeth.
The doctor realized that Jimmy had misunderstood what the request for his blood really meant. Jimmy had imagined that his sister was going to need all his blood. Which meant that Jimmy, though hesitating a moment and swallowing hard, had silently agreed to die for his little sister!
The doctor had tears in his eyes as he reassured Jimmy that he had extracted only a little blood for his sister and that Jimmy was not going to die.
(Editor’s note: this story caused me to reflect on the people and things for which I’d be willing to die. Take a moment and try it yourself.)
Birthdays this week: Tom Smothers (75), Blythe Danner (69), Christie Brinkley (59), Nathan Lane (56), Laura Linley (48), Jennifer Jason Leigh (50), Natalie Cole (62), Tom Brokaw (72), Ralph Nader (78), Garth Brooks (50), Ashton Kutcher (34), Chris Rock (46), Nick Nolte (72), Mary Steenburgen (59).
Toward The Light -January 26, 2012 Volume 19 Issue 17
THE WOLVES WITHIN author unknown (adapted)
The old man sat in his rocking chair on the front porch. Suddenly, his grandson was at his side, anger in the tightness of his jaw and hurt in his eyes. Another boy had made fun of him at school—but he vowed he would "get even" tomorrow.
The old man thought a moment, then he said, "Yes, there have been many times when I, too, felt just as you do now. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times.
"There used to be two wolves inside me; one of them was good and did no harm. He lived in harmony with all around him and did not take offense when no offense was intended. He would fight only when it was right to do so. And he always fought in the right way.
"But the other wolf, ah! there was a powerful animal! He was full of anger—he knew nothing else. The least thing would set him into a fit of temper. He would fight everyone, all the time for no reason. He could not think because his anger and hate were so great.
It was very hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them tried to dominate my spirit. Years ago, when I was about your age, I finally decided that only one of them would win my heart."
When the old man had finished his tale, his grandson looked into his face and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf will win my heart?"
"The one you feed."
Birthdays this week: Ellen DeGeneres (54), John G. Roberts (57), Mimi Rogers (56), Alan Alda (76), Bridget Fonda (48), Tom Selleck (67), Katherine Ross (69), Oprah Winfrey (58), La Toya Jackson (56), Gene Hackman (82), Vanessa Redgrave (75), Christian Bale (38), Portia De Rossi (39), Minnie Driver (42), Justin Timberlake (31), Laura Dern (45) and Lisa Marie Presley (44).
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
CAROL BURNETT
A SING-ALONG FOR US
"OLD FOLKS"
author unknown
(Editor’s note: To be sung to the tune of "These Are A Few of My Favorite Things" from the musical show, The Sound of Music. Altogether now . . . a one and a two . . .)
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knittin’s,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin’s,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go baaaad,
Then I remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so saaaad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food nor food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains and no fear of sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite thangs. (Southern version)
When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don feel so bad!
(reprise)
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel soooo baaaad!
Toward The Light -January 19, 2012 Volume 19 Issue 16
A "BANK" ACCOUNT
author unknown
Imagine there is a bank which credits your account each morning with $86,400 but carries over no balance from day to day and allows you to keep no cash balance, and every evening cancels whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day.
What would you do?
Draw out every cent, of course!
Well, everyone has such an account. Its name is TIME. Every morning it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the records of the day. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against "tomorrow."
You must live in the present on today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success! The clock is running. Make to most of today . . .
Treasure every moment you have! And treasure it more because you share it with someone special—special enough to have your time.
Birthdays this week: Dolly Parton (66), Geena Davis (55), Phil Everly (73), Bill Maher (56), Jack Nicholas (72), John Hurt (72), Jill Eikenberry (65), Placido Domingo (71), Diane Lane (49), Princess Caroline (55), Rutger Hauer (68), Neil Diamond (71), Ernest Borgnine (95), Shelley Fabares (70), Robby Benson (57), Linda Blair (53), Chita Rivera (79) and Dean Jones (77).
Make yourselves nests of pleasant thoughts. None of us yet know, for none of us have been taught in early youth, what fairy palaces we may build of beautiful thought—proof against all adversity. Bright fancies, satisfied memories, noble histories, faithful sayings, treasure-houses of precious and restful thoughts, which care cannot disturb, nor pain make gloomy, nor poverty take away from us—houses built without hands, for our souls to live in. JOHN RUSKIN
THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO SAFE FAX
author unknown
Q: Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A: No. While it is not unusual for married people to fax quite often, single people safely fax complete strangers everyday.
Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and they were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedures, but usually, adults fax more than children or early teenagers.
Q: If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A: Absolutely not! Just because you have somehow managed to fax yourself, you won’t go blind.
Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is it legal?
A: Yes, many people have no outlet for their fax needs and must pay a "professional" when their desire to fax becomes too great.
Q: Should a cover always be used when you are faxing?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used to ensure safe faxing.
Q: What happens when I lose control of the procedure and fax prematurely?
A: Don’t panic! Many people prematurely fax when they haven’t done it in a long time. Just start over. The person you are faxing will usually want you to try to fax them again.
Q: I fax professionally, and on occasion I enjoy faxing on a personal basis. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A: Being bi-faxual can sometimes be confusing but as long as you use proper cover with each fax you won’t transmit anything you are not supposed to.
This is the sum of all true righteousness: deal with others as thou wouldst thyself be dealt by. Do nothing to thy neighbor which thou wouldst not have him do to thee hereafter. THE MAHABHARATA